“Dad’s Day” – Father’s Day 1977

HOW TO READ “SUSPENDERS GIRL” When you come to an arrow, click on it! The music is meant to be played in the background to help bring the story to life. I hope you like it. S.G.

(CLICK ON THE ARROW BELOW TO LISTEN)

They Don’t Make ‘Em Like My Daddy – Loretta Lynn

For Father’s Day my teacher, Mrs. Wartz – that is her real name – I feel sorry for her because she’s nice and doesn’t have any warts as far as I can see – told us for homework to write down one thing about our fathers that we like.

I had trouble with that.

There are so many things that I like about my dad, and some that I love, I couldn’t confine myself to pick only one.

Her plan is for us to make our dads a card in the shape of a tie (not the bow kind like Mr. Peabody wears, the other kind, the long kind men wear to church) out of construction paper, and write the one thing we picked that we like inside the tie as a Father’s Day present.

I wrote down twenty-seven things to start but I was able to whittle it down to ten of the most important.

Before I tell you what they are, I need to tell you that I know some other people think their dad is the best. I hate to be the one to pop their bubble but their dad can’t be the best because mine is. So here are ten of the twenty-seven reasons why.

#10 My dad knows about everything. If there’s something he doesn’t know about or know the answer to, he won’t be phony or try to make something up. He’ll say, “I’m not sure, but I’ll find out and get back to ya.” And he always does. (It’s only happened about three times in my whole life that he didn’t know the answer to something.) Here’s an example of my dad knowing about everything.

A while back my mom had a tummy bug. She was throwing up and sleeping in between throw ups so my dad took my big brother Jamie and me on a nature walk in the woods near our house. He told us he was gonna teach us how to live off the land. (I never understood that saying. Shouldn’t it be live on the land?) He brought his fancy binoculars that we only use when we go up on the Blue Ridge Parkway and he asked me to bring my bookbag along. He had Jamie stick a bunch of sandwich baggies in it. Jamie and I brought our canteens, too. They’re toy canteens but they work as good as real ones. He even let me put Lime Kool-Aid in mine!

(Click the arrow like I told you before. You should always do that.)

Pardon me. Not bad manners. Just good Kool-Aid.

The nature walk started out with him showing us all kinds of things we could eat if we were ever stranded in the woods.

First was honeysuckle, which we already knew about, because it’s right at the edge of the woods and we eat it all the time. So we stood there and ate some honeysuckle. You can’t make a meal off of honeysuckle and if you were starving you might starve to death before you could eat enough honeysuckle to save your life because you only get a couple of drops from each flower. (You don’t eat the flower.) But the couple of drops are so tasty, if you starved to death while eating it, you’d probably die pretty happy.

We found honeysuckle, persimmons, wild strawberries, sassafras, asparagus, rhubarb, dandelion greens, mustard seed, mint, watercress and mushrooms. (Some mushrooms are poisonous, but not the ones we collected.)

After a few minutes of eating honeysuckle we moved on into the woods, following him on the little path that leads from our house through the woods to our farm. He talked to us the whole time, telling us about all the different plants we could eat as we went, stopping and showing them to us. Then we’d collect some of whatever we found, and put it the the baggies in my bookbag.

Laughing At A Dirty Joke

We didn’t collect any persimmons because they’re out of season and they make your mouth draw up and fuzzy on the inside if you eat them when they’re not ripe. But he said we’d come back and get a few in the Fall.

My dad used his pocketknife – he always has that with him except at church – to cut off whatever pieces we were collecting – and he was very careful when he cut not to damage the parts of the plants that were staying in the woods. Some of what we collected we were able to munch on right then, like the mint leaves and sassafras stems, but some of the other stuff we took back to the house to clean off and cook up for lunch. He fried up the dandelion greens with some chopped up onions. He boiled the asparagus. He baked the mushrooms. And he made a fancy little salad with water cress, sprinkling some of the mustard seed on top. (He didn’t do anything with the rhubarb. He said my mom would make a pie with it in a few days when she was up to cooking again. I wanted to try it because it was pretty, like pink celery. And if my mom was making a pie with it, it had to be sweet, right?) My dad told me rhubarb tastes bad raw, but I still wanted to try it, so I took a bite, and, boy, was he right (as usual).

Rhubarb was the worst thing I ever put in my mouth. And that’s saying something because one time when I was a little kid I ate a Milk-Bone dog biscuit because Jamie and Mike dared me to. They told me they’d give me a quarter, but they lied. There was no quarter when it was all said. There was just me with dog biscuit in my teeth, a bad taste in my mouth, and two weenies standing there laughing at me. Right then I’d wished I was a dog. A boy dog. I woulda lifted my leg and peed on both of them.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah, besides the rhubarb, everything tasted good. The problem was, once it was on the table, there was only a little bit of food being split by a full grown man and two growing kids. After we ate everything we were still pretty hungry so he made us peanut butter and banana sandwiches. My dad makes the best peanut butter and banana sandwiches. That is one of my twenty-seven reasons but it didn’t make my top ten. Then for supper, because my mom was still throwing up and sleeping in between throw ups, my dad took us to Dairy-Rite. I got a Superburger. Superburgers are the best burgers around. Compared to Superburgers every other kind of burger is an Okayburger. I got my own order of french-fries, too. (I usually have to share with Jamie and he always hogs ’em and gets more than I do.) And I got a raspberry milkshake to wash it down with! I usually just get a small Teem. My dad even took us to visit Nana – that’s my dad’s mom – and because she lives right across from Gypsy Hill Park, they took us there to play on the playgrounds – both of them – and we got to feed grass to the ducks and swans! One of the black swans with the red bill even swam over to me! That never happens!

I don’t mean this in a mean way, but my mom being sick turned out great for me and Jamie.

The best part about my mom being sick – besides the nature walk, the Superburger, my own fries, the milkshake, seeing Nana and having the black swan swim up to me – was that we found real Teaberries! I thought they only existed in gum. If I’d known we had real Teaberries growing in the woods, I’da been in there eating them all the time!

They taste even better than the gum, which is hard to believe because Teaberry gum is very delicious. Hey! I just had a great idea. Maybe Dairy Rite could make a Teaberry milkshake…

My dad’s so smart he knew what I was thinking and he said “Now, Sis, don’t get any ideas about sneaking in here and eating these berries. We’re gonna take a few today as a treat, but we need to leave the rest for the wildlife.

This brings me to #9.

#9 My dad likes all animals and he knows how to take care of them.

To make my point, how many other people would care about the wildlife enough to leave the teaberries for them?

To make my point again, the other part of our nature walk was spent learning about the wildlife in the woods, where and how it lives. He walked up to this log that was laying on the ground and said “Let’s see if we can find a rabbit”. Then he kicked the log and son of a gun if a rabbit didn’t run out of the log. Well, it didn’t run. It hopped, but you get what I’m saying. How the heck did he know that rabbit was there? A little later in the nature walk he asked us if we wanted to see a squirrel. Who’s gonna say no to that? So we both said “Yessir” at the same time and he walked over to this tree that had this sort of wooden vine hanging down from it. He told us to look up and he grabbed the wooden vine and shook it and son of a gun again, a squirrel came running out onto the limb above us. I couldn’t even believe it. How the heck did he know that squirrel was there? He also told us about chipmunks, raccoons, frogs, dragon flies and lots of different kinds of birds.

Nuts

My dad doesn’t just know about wildlife. He knows about pets and farm animals, too. He knows how to take care of our dog, Tidbit, plus any stray cats that show up and become our pets.

I woof Milk-Bones!

And we have horses and cows that he takes care of. He trims the horses hooves with a great big file and gives the cows shots for pink eye. I’ve even helped him give the shots.

Sometimes we have a pig, but only for a little while, then they get taken away. It doesn’t bother me anymore, but one time when I was a little kid I got pretty attached to one. It was black and white and I named it Peanut. I fed him and talked to him and he was funny to watch. Then one day he was gone. Not too long after that we started having pork a lot. I’m not stupid and I put two and two together. That’s what happens when you live on a farm. So now if we ever have a pig I try not to get attached.

#8 My dad lets me watch shows like “Night Stalker” with him.

“Nightstalker” isn’t on anymore, but it was the first grown up show I got to watch, so it’s kinda special to me. My mom never watched it with us because she doesn’t like scary stuff. Not even the music. When “Nightstalker” was on she either went to bed or she went downstairs and listened to Freddy Fender on her stereo while she ironed clothes. Jamie never watched it with us, either. He said he’s wasn’t scared to watch it, but I know he was. It was the only time he wanted to go to his room and do homework.

#7 My dad always rides the Flying Bobs with me when we go on vacation to Myrtle Beach and he takes me on tractor rides when he’s making hay or plowing the garden. (I know I kinda cheated on this one and made two reasons into one but they’re both about riding things, and they’re important to me, so I thought I could get away with it.)

The Flying Bobs is this cool ride at the amusement park we go to every summer while we’re at Myrtle Beach. Jamie rides by himself, and my dad rides with me because I’m still a little young to ride it by myself. Plus he likes riding rides. For some reason, every time we ride the Flying Bobs they play the same two songs. One of them is my all time favorite song, “Rock the Boat”. The other song is “Rikki, Don’t Lose That Number”.

I understand why they play “Rock the Boat” because it’s the greatest song ever. And it goes with the ride rocking back and forth. But “Rikki, Don’t Lose That Number” doesn’t have anything to do with the Flying Bobs. Don’t get me wrong. I like the song alright even though I don’t get what the words mean. But it doesn’t belong with the Flying Bobs. (It’s not Steely Dan’s best song, either. Their song, “Bad Sneakers” is better.)

He doesn’t only let me ride on the tractor with him. I get to drive it! He works the gears and pedals but I get to turn the key, take the brake off, and steer, which is the most important part of driving. How many nine year old’s get to do that? Not any I know.

#6 My dad smells good all the time. Even when he comes home from work or the farm. I think it might be the Brylcreem and Skin Bracer.

#5 My dad taught me how to roller skate and ride a bike with no training wheels (not at the same time, of course). I never knew my dad was such a great skater until we had my birthday party at Skate Town, USA. He was the best skater there! He’s so good that if they had roller skating in the Olympics he could probably win.

#4 My dad only spanks me when I deserve it. Except for the time he spanked me for breaking the picture window with my Firetron Super Ball, when I didn’t even do it. Jamie and Mike did it. Then they took off running and hid in the woods while I stood there like a Dumb Butt, looking like Wile E. Coyote before he gets creamed.

The Sound Before I Get It

But normally he doesn’t spank me. He just calls me down and even when he does that he feels bad about it. One time in church Jamie was making funny faces at me and I was giggling. My dad told me to cut it out and grow up. I did cut it out. Later on that day I was using my View Master and my dad said he was glad to see me playing. He told me to forget what he said about growing up and to stay young for as long as I can. I said “Yessir” and let him think he gave me the idea not to grow up in case somewhere down the line he told me again to “grow up” I would be able to say “Sorry, Dad. I can’t. You already told me not to. Remember?” I know. Pretty smart. I had already decided years ago not to grow up even though I get told that I need to regularly by people older than me. Why would anybody wanna grow up if they don’t have to? I mean, when was the last time you ever saw a grown-up person skating around the rink at Skate Town (besides my dad), or sliding down the slide at Gypsy Hill Park, or playing Capture The Flag at 4-H camp, or having aluminum foil ball battles with their friend Mike? Never ever. So, grow up? No thank you.

#3 My dad is nice to everybody. All the time. Everybody. All the time. I don’t think there’s anything else to say about that.

#2 My dad is the only person who believed me when I told him I pulled a pack of chewing gum out of a dream I had. (I’ll tell you that story some other time. And, no, it wasn’t Teaberry gum.) That was when he told me that he saw a U.F.O. at the farm while he was baling hay. (I’ll tell you that story some other time, too.)

#1 My dad is the best four leaf clover finder who ever lived.

This is my number one reason because it is the most great thing about my dad. Being nice to everybody, and animals, is important. I know that. But other people are nice to everybody, and animals, too. My dad is the only best four leaf clover finder that ever lived. Nobody else can find four leaf clovers the way my dad does. He finds them everywhere. We can be at the farm or at Gypsy Hill Park or our own back yard. He’s not even looking for them! We can be walking along and he’ll say “Look. A four leaf clover.” (Whoever is with him starts looking for it, but we can never find it on our own. He has to show us where it is.) I think that’s a very special gift he has, which is why I made it #1. (I have not ever found one on my own yet, and I’ve been alive nine whole years, plus some.)

There they are. My top ten reasons. I think Mrs. Wartz will be proud of me that I went the extra mile.

P.S. You’re not even gonna believe this. I got in trouble for not following directions! What the heck?! I woulda thought my teacher would be proud of me for going all out with what I like and love about my dad, but, no, she was the opposite of that. She was being like a Milk-Bone dog biscuit instead of being like Teaberry gum. She said she was “put out” that I didn’t follow directions like all the other kids did and if I didn’t wanna follow direction my dad wouldn’t have a card.

The Sound Of How I Feel About Mrs. Wartzbutt

Now I don’t feel sorry for her that her name is Mrs. Wartz. Ha. Ha. You have the worst name in the world. Except for Butts. That would be worse. You know what would be even worse? The name Wartzbutt. Or Buttwartz. Either of those would be worse.

I don’t care. It’s not my fault I have the the best dad and I had to write more than one thing that I like or love about him. So what if it won’t fit in a stupid paper tie. He has enough real ties anyway. He doesn’t need a paper one. I’m going to give him my list and tell him that it’s only ten of the lots of things that I like and love about him. I’m pretty sure he’s not gonna get mad at me for writing more than I was told to about how great he is.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad.

P. P. S. I have never, ever called my dad “Father”. Nobody does that in real life. Maybe people did that a long time ago, or “Paw” like in “Little House On The Prairie” but now everybody calls their dad “Dad”. I think it might be time to change the name of the holiday to “Dad’s Day”. While we’re at it, let’s change “Mother’s Day” to “Mom’s Day”. (Some of the Amish kids we’re friends with call their parents Ma and Pa, or Mama and Papa, so maybe they could change the names of their holidays to Ma’s Day and Pa’s Day.)

P.P.P.S. I love my mom as much as I love my dad and I could write as many things about her. But for Mom’s Day instead of writing something nice about our moms, we made tissue paper flower bouquets for them. I still might make a list of things I like and love about her sometime. Maybe for Mom’s Day next year. And my mom had a great idea. She said instead of making a tie shaped card for my dad we could make him a card out of green construction paper in the shape of a four leaf clover and she would help me write small so that I can fit all twenty seven reasons in the card.

How did I get to be so lucky? To have the best dad and the best mom? It must have something to do with all those four leaf clovers my dad finds.

Please be patient. The song does not start for 25 seconds. The beginning is a bunch of weird noises. Not sure why they did that.

Neither of these men is my dad. They are the guys from Steely Dan. Their hair is too long for Brylcreem.

THIS IS MY LAST P.S. My dad hates having his picture taken.